The Old Testament reading in the daily office for this morning is Judges 13: 1- 15. This is the story of how the birth and purpose of Samson was revealed. I thought it quite interesting that the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman (we don't even know her name), the wife of Manoah, and gave the revelation. Even after Manoah prayed for God to reveal instructions on how to raise the child, God sent the answer to the woman. She had to go fetch her husband. I can't help but like that. It seems as though, every so often in the Scripture, God side-steps cultural norms.

Maybe it's sad that I like this so much. Does it reveal a deep longing for validation and recognition? Does this struggle between the genders stem from the fall of the human race?           

May 18, 2012

I was reading a brief sketch of Florence Nightingale's life. An excerpt  reminded me of some of our students at my school. :) 

"Then war broke out in the Crimea (in Russia, on the north edge of the Black Sea), and Sir Sidney Herbert, now Secretary of War, obtained permission for Florence to lead a group of 38 nurses there. Of these, 10 were Roman Catholic nuns, 14 were Anglican nuns, and the remaining 14 were "of no particular religion, unless one counts the worship of Bacchus." They found conditions appalling. Blankets were rotting in warehouses while the men did without, because no one had issued the proper forms for their distribution. The lavatories in the hospitals had no running water, and the latrines were tubs to be emptied by hand. But no one emptied them, since official regulations did not specify which department was responsible for doing so. The result was that the hospital had a foul stench that could be smelled for some distance outside its walls. Far more men were dying in hospitals of infection than of wounds. The chief concern of many of the Army doctors was that the nurses might usurp some of their authority. Florence gradually managed to win the doctors and other authorities over, and to reform hospital procedures, with spectacular results. Once the medical situation had ceased to be an acute problem, she turned her attention to other aspects of the soldiers' welfare. For example, most of them squandered all their pay on drink. She noted that there was no trustworthy way for them to send money home to their families, and she set up facilities for them to do so. First, she undertook to send money home herself for any soldier in the hospital that wanted it sent, and the soldiers brought in about 1000 pounds a month. She asked the authorities to set up an official service to do this, and they refused. By appealing to Queen Victoria herself, she overcame opposition to the idea, and the men sent home 71,000 pounds sterling in less than six months. She established with her own money a reading-room with tables for writing letters, and the men used it enthusiastically. She imported four schoolmasters to give lectures, and the halls were filled to overflowing. All this was done despite opposition from officers who said, 'The men are hopeless brutes. You cannot expect anything from them.'"

Sometimes we think about some of our students as being "hopeless brutes," and there may be some that are. But we don't know which ones they are (only time will tell that), so what can we do to solve problems, motivate students, and give them opportunities to be better? Nightingale assessed the real problems these men were facing that led to their irresponsible choices, and she worked to give them opportunities and control in their lives. What more can we do for our students who are squandering their resources and living irresponsibly? We have to do some things differently if we are going to be successful with our students, at least as evidenced by our OGT scores, (which doesn't tell the whole story, but is an important indicator).

I am an idealist I know, but I like to think about and talk about these kinds of questions. 

As I continued to think about the way God works to bring about justice in the world--seemingly slowly and mysteriously--my mind went to Sweetie, the baby that the WAR community is praying for. Sweetie is the child of a young woman, barely out of childhood herself, who is the victim of sex trafficking probably in India. Sweetie is what the rescue workers call this baby because she has no name and is held captive like an animal, tied to a post. Sweetie remains nameless and is denied loving care because her captors want her to grow up to be used in the sex trade, not to be a relational human being. My heart and mind wail out to God for her deliverance, and I wait and hope for the mercy of God. But at the same time, I know she is just one example of the cruelty and evil perpetuated on women and children throughout the world. And my soul cries out with the psalmist, "Oh Lord, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked exult?" (Psalm 94:3) And the prophet Habakkuk complains, "Oh, Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? Or cry to you 'Violence!' and you will not save?" (Hab. 1:2)

Lord, have mercy.

Christ, have mercy.

Lord, have mercy.

Reading the Lenten passages in Exodus this morning reminded me that my sense of timing is so different from God's. The people of Israel waited for many years, languishing under the domination and abuse of the Egyptians, waiting for God's deliverance. It reminded me of African Americans suffering for 300 years under the cruel system of chattel slavery in North America. My human understanding screams, "Why?" Why did God wait so many years to bring deliverance to people who were crying out to Him? For some reason, God has chosen in most instances not to supernaturally intervene in situations of injustice, but does His work slowly and mysteriously, creating change in individuals and then societal systems to bring about justice. This is not something that I like or understand with my finite understanding of time and God's purposes, another situation in which I must simply trust God.

As I apply these thoughts to our current situation in a religious culture that seems to be oppressive, isolationist, and deforming (Shawn's word) to spiritual formation, my instinct cries out for immediate justice and reformation. However, God seems to be again bringing about change in gradual, sometimes almost imperceptible ways, that may outlast my life on earth. Though that may be the case and creates intense angst in my soul, I can have confidence that God is working and will accomplish His will, not only in His people, but in all the world. The will of the Father is clear in the gospel according to St. John chapter 13, verses 34-35--..."By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." Again in the same gospel, chapter 17, verses 11-26--..."that they may be one, even as we are one...that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me...that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me...that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them." Jesus repetitive emphasis on the unity of believers underscores the importance our Heavenly Father places on it. Saint Paul in the letter to the Ephesians elaborates on this theme and purpose of God when he speaks of God's love for the church, the bride of Christ--"Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish" (chapter 5, verses 25-27). The church in North America cannot be described in those terms. We are fragmented and steeped in rebellion, opposed to the purposes of God in this regard. However, God's purposes will be accomplished, and I must believe that He is at work, purifying His bride and bringing her to love and unity, albeit not on my schedule, but His. The question for me is, "How can I cooperate with God to accomplish His purpose in my time on this earth?" Whatever the answer to that questions is, I know it must be by faith and in love.

Desiring the Kingdom

Reading Tim Gombis's post about desiring the Kingdom reminded me of my sin and selfishness. I want to desire the Kingdom for the right reasons, which include servant-hood and restoration.

Lenten Prayer

Lord, forgive me for my desire for comfort and ease. Forgive me for grasping my possessions. Help me to have a generous, loving heart, one that willingly shares and gives up for others. Strengthen me for the long obedience to which you have called me. Clear my mind of the clutter that obscures my view of you and your kingdom. Help me to live sacramentally. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen.

We are waiting as others make decisions about our freedom.

Isaiah 40: 21-31 (Old Testament reading for 2/5/12)

Do you not know? Do you not hear? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth? It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in; who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown, scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth, when he blows on them, and they wither, and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? Says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God”? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Hallelujah!! What more needs to be said?

God speaks through "Blue Bloods"--As Grandpa said, May God's light shine through our family, and may we trust Him even when we don't understand.

Sometimes a hideous thought crawls through my mind like Gollum creeping after Frodo--that my dear one would have better off had he died in the womb.

Father Harry has taught us that Jesus revealed God's purpose for humanity to the lowly Samaritan woman. God desires worshipers who worship Him in spirit and in truth. (John 4:1-23)

Today I watched my dear one as he was working on his computer, sound oozing out of his head despite the headphones on his ears. He listened to "How Great is Our God" and sang along, off key. Though many times tempted to admonish him to "turn the volume down," this day I just watched. And as he sang "and trembles at His voice," his arms shook with the fear of it. And as he sang, "how great, how great is our God," he raised his hands in adoration. And once again, God reminded me that I do not understand the mysteries of life, nor the mind of God. And that this broken son is one of God's purest worshipers.

So on this "Sanctity of Life" day with Father Greg's words echoing in my mind, I have been reminded again that every life is precious, and no life that worships God is wasted.

lessons on the Lord's day

I have a pastor--that was my epiphany today. As I sat in Sunday School this morning and didn't see Father Greg, I felt disappointment. And it hit me--I have a pastor, one who feeds me each Sunday, and I wanted him there. Fortunate for me, he was there, just late to Sunday School. But what a comforting feeling. I have someone looking after my soul, shepherding me, praying for me, feeding me. Just like Jesus said to Saint Peter--"Feed my sheep."

Another epiphany--my girl had trouble this morning, as usual when she attends worship with us--annoying, distracting, aggravating trouble. And afterwards we played the prescribed roles in a familiar script--parents admonishing, girl lacerating with her tongue. But then, when I breached the bolted door, a revelation to me and to her. One more memory that tortured this sensitive soul who seems cold and hard but is really scared and wounded. And a cleansing occurred with the revelation, an understanding, a glimmer of hope for better days.

So thank you, Lord Jesus, for the bread of your body and the wine of your blood, for the feeding and the forgiveness, for the mercy and the hope--Christ our Hope!

I am a savior. And I have three adopted children, a teaching license, and a degree in multicultural education to prove it. But what I am finding out, is that I can’t save anyone. I can be a piece of the saving, but not the whole. If I can fully accept this, and if this can be enough, maybe I can continue teaching.

Education has inherited the task of redeeming the culture. However, it is unrealistic to think that teachers can heal all the wounds, nurture students in ethical values and social relationships, provide emotional and psychological stability to facilitate optimal learning conditions, fill in learning gaps of a mobile student population, and have every student meet rigorous state and national standards. Those who pretend this is possible on a wide scale under current conditions are politicians or university professors, not educators in the classroom. Nevertheless, we who continue to get up at 5:45 and daily face the young people committed to our care must find ways of making things better. We must be tireless in seeking new perspectives and strategies that will help our students have a greater chance of living productive, thoughtful lives. We must, as a piece of the village, do whatever we can to foster our students’ development in a global society.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/11/when-compassion-becomes-a-gold-rush/

God revealed Himself and my sin through this story of a 15-year-old boy in the Amazon jungle. The heart of Christ is compassion, and if I am to be like Christ, my heart must be characterized by compassion, not self-preservation and comfort. The Holy Spirit, gently but firmly, put his finger on my sin. Back in November, as we were facing another round of our child’s confusion with reality, I made the witty comment to professional who helps us, “ I didn’t a sign up for this.” I am broken with the shame of that flippant statement. I did sign up for this, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t have a glamorous story, but I have children who needed to be loved and brought to the Father. I have children who deserved the touch of Christ, deserved to have a home. Whatever pain I suffer is so little compared with what Christ suffered so that we all could be loved and belong. Thank You, Father, for the kick in the gut that the compassion of Christ brings. Forgive me for my lack of compassion, for any tinge of regret I sometimes feel for my choices, for ever doubting that I heard Your voice telling me to parent needy children, for one moment of thinking that, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Cleanse me and change me and allow me to be broken for you, a living sacrifice until my dying day.

For years, I have had a longing for a worship experience that would draw me to the gospel, to the grace of God through Jesus Christ. I have experienced this angst, this dissatisfaction and emptiness after attending church on Sunday mornings. However, I didn’t know what I was missing, what it would look like to be brought to Christ through the worship service on a regular basis. Now, after attending Anglican worship, I have a “template.” It’s as though I sigh in my spirit, finally finding my home after so long not knowing where it was.

It’s amazing to me that I am still trying to learn to give my children to God, leaving their lives in His capable hands. This is not to say that I don’t have a responsibility toward my children, especially an underage child, but I can’t heal my children, no matter how hard I try. Can I believe that God indeed loves them more than I do and that He will not abandon them, though they run from Him at times?

I resonate with this quote from Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson: “I heard a man say once that Christians worship sorrow. That is by no means true. But we do believe there is a sacred mystery in it, it’s fair to say that… I believe there is a dignity in sorrow simply because it is God’s good pleasure that there should be. He is forever raising up those who are brought low.” Here’s to all those who are brought low waiting for Him to raise you up.

In thinking about what I wanted to communicate in this blog, I thought of many words: pilgrimage, way of suffering, perseverance, wilderness. However, though these words may describe many experiences of my life, these are not the words that I want to define my life. Mulling over what I want my life to represent, I thought of the foreign film, Life is Beautiful. Though this film is filled with suffering, the man wants to communicate to his son the wonder and beauty of life. I believe this brings glory to God. That is what I want from my life—to see the beauty in the midst of the suffering, to reflect the beauty of God. So the name of my blog is “beautiful life.”